Just Don’t Look {yet}

I have a new philosophy in life.  Applying it has begun to save me a lot of stress.  It’s simple in theory. Just Don’t Look This idea came to me in the car.  I have four children and one on … Continue reading

{the silence} In a Heartbeat

In the background are the faded noises of busy laughter, the business of getting dinner on the table, dishes unloaded, and the day’s events downloaded by each tiny muffled voice.

A heart beat thrums steadily in my ears.

Beautiful.  Life.  Steady.

A grounded, rhythmic lifeline to all that seems so incredibly important, and so indefinably fragile… a heartbeat thrums steadily in the silence… 

The flutter in my chest rises.  I should be with them.  Did I tell them I love them today?  Did I yell at them too much?  Do they know that I love them?  What memories have we made?  Will they remember that I love them? Does he know how grateful I am? Will he know how much I love him? Does he know how important he is to me? More muffled laughter and clinking plates…

Anxiety flitters around, searching for a place to land… NO.  I breath in.  I breath out.

A grounded, rhythmic lifeline to all that seems so incredibly important, and so indefinably fragile… a heartbeat thrums steadily in the silence… refusing a resting place for anxiety.

I breath in.  I breath out.  A heart beat thrums steadily in my ears.  But one persistent question looks for a spot to land…

Am I doing enough?

My Bible and three books that I long to read lay tossed around me.  My journal just a few inches away.  Tears roll down my cheeks as I realize how much I long to do more, to soak up more, to understand more and to live from a depth that draws my family in… to envelope them in the same love and life that has begun to consume me.  I long for my husband to know how truly head-over-heals in love with him I am; to show him every day the love that builds him up and pulls him closer, always closer. To shower my children with adoration in measure with the miracles that they are.

Longing.  Is it all just a longing?

A stream of scenes roll across my mind as this questions looms larger than life. Feelings… less than loving… rush like rapids over my lungs, and I am gasping and choking on the tears as I recall words, thoughts, attitudes, emotions, all proving me to be completely lacking.  Failing.

For a fleeting moment I am trapped in this tug-of-war with anxiety…

The rhythm… steady… beautiful… life.  I breath in. I breath out.

Life steadily pounds in my ears.  I hear my name.  Just a whisper.  A life-line.

What do you want to say, Lord?

“Daughter, you measure up.  You do enough.  You are amazing in My eyes.  I am pleased.  So much more than you know, Child.  I love that you are here, with Me.  Waiting, listening.   Daughter, you are forever searching out My thoughts, seeking My heart.  I know your deepest desires and I love you for them.  Daughter, you treasure Me and what I think. You keep Me in the center of all you do, even when you forget, you are quick to remember.  I look at you and I see Perfection.  Thank you for coming away.  Thank you for valuing Me enough to step into the quiet places, to trust Me with the welfare of those babies I knit together.  Thank you for loving Me.  You are enough.”

In the quiet, steady, silence I can hear it.  His heart beating; beating steadily for me.

Beautiful life; His living in me, His power at work through me, on my behalf.

You Speak – Audry Assad

{the power of} Words

God spoke: “Light!” And light appeared. ~Genesis 1:3 Have you considered the power of words? A word spoken, “light,” and something began to exist that hadn’t existed before.  That is power. What words have you been speaking?  Have they been positive, upbeat, … Continue reading

What Love Is That Love Does…

Love bears all things 

 Believes all things                                                                     

          Endures all things.

                                                                                      Hopes all things.

                                                                                                                                                                  Love never fails.

When love is patient and kind, and when it is not rude or self-seeking or boastful it is beautiful and a thing to behold.

When love does more… bears all, endures all, believes and hopes all… it takes on a whole different depth.

When patience no longer meets the needs of those around us, and bearing up under becomes the option to running or pushing away, it becomes something like a helium balloon turning into a water balloon, swelling deep and heavy instead of floating high above.

When applying self-control to easily rising anger, or guarding against long lists of grudges, and the hurts pile up fast and hard and ugly, enduring all can be like replacing handcuffs with iron shackles and lead chains.

I struggle with this part of what love is.  I struggle with who this applies to and when.  I struggle with how this is often interpreted and expected.  I struggle with what our broken selves have twisted these words into meaning.   I struggle with the beauty of those who reach these depths with grace, and with those who have been mutilated by unrealistic expectations our theologies can create.

Then, I look into my mirror and I speak lovely words of truth over my reflection;

Your worth is in the eyes of a Creator who loves you.  A Creator of universes, who comes close just for the chance, the hope, that you hear Him.  That you might want His love. Your value is in your Maker’s passion for you, that without any promise, without any commitment, and before you even knew your own name, He gave up His life for yours.  Just for the chance that you’d say, yes. 

And I realize something.  A small button that opens a pocket of understanding.

God is love. And God bears all things even before we were born and on our behalf.  God believes all things, He is all knowing and all present.  God endures all things, for our sakes and despite ourselves and even without our knowing or acknowledging.  God hopes all things, He is all powerful.  God never fails.

We can do nothing without Him.  And even still, anything we do resembling love is Him in us, leaking out of the cracks in our self-protective armor.  And all God ever wants from us is our captivation by His love, that we would simply look at Him, become consumed by Him, that we might be loved.