Lately I’ve had a reoccurring nightmare about being it tight places or unable to move part of my body for extended periods of time. I don’t have to be sleeping to feel the panic or envision the horror of this sensation.
We recently chose to homeschool our older kids. Many different reasons culminated into this decision, like trickling streams converging into one gigantic rapidly flowing river… Which has swept our family up into itself.
We decided a week before school started. And our materials arrived a week after school started. This alone usually would send me into a panic.
I’m very deliberate. I like to have things planned out. To know exactly what my next step is going to be before I take it. Especially if I’m supposed to be overseeing details and planning schedules.
However, I rolled with it. I went for the ride. A true testimony of God’s work in my heart and mind. I trust Him. After all, ultimately we are doing this because we all heard His voice very clearly, and we’re obeying. Even me, on the fly.
But when week four rolled around and we still haven’t purchased some key pieces of the curriculum and I’m still flying by the seat of my pants in regards to how to schedule a day with two fully schooling children, a pre-preschooler and an infant… lets just say, I have a knot in my stomach that is only alleviated when I’m on my knees breathing in His presence.
What I’m learning today is how to keep breathing on the run.
I’ve told many amazing women that its all about remembering what HE thinks about us, and letting go of what we think of ourselves. It’s now time for me to put this into practice again.
As I navigate pre-teen attitude, sloppy work because I’m mom and not teacher, screaming 4-year-old tantrums induced by lack of attention and an infant demand feeding and teething every hour around the clock… I automatically hear the voices of friends, other homeschooling moms, the tutors we’ve enlisted to help us, and teachers from the kids’ school last year. I feel pressure to preform. I feel tension of being behind. I feel lack of missing tools and skill sets I never learned through my round of schooling years… I feel myself pinned into a tiny space, where my ribs contract in and can’t push outward, and my muscles ache with spasms of straining.
Then, when the tears come involuntarily, I hear it. His very close whisper.
“You are perfectly where I placed you.”
I can’t see Him. I can’t the perfection. I can’t see how this will end. But I hear Him.
“You are perfectly where I placed you. Trust Me.”
The thing is, I don’t know how to get it all done. I don’t know how to order my day so that my kids don’t slip behind and I fail them. I don’t know how to implement everyone’s well meaning and wonderful advice. I don’t know how to teach things I never learned myself. I don’t.
But, HE does.
He knows my children individually. He knows the number of hairs on each of their blond little heads. He knows when their bellies are empty and their hearts need hugs… He knows what their minds contain and what they need to be filled with. He knows what He created them to accomplish, and how to get them there.
And He still placed them in my care!
He placed them in my care, and He is able to give me each and every moment as it arrives in time. I may not be organized or prepared. We may be behind a little, and I will probably leave gaping holes in their learning.
But HE won’t.
His opinion of me is that I am perfectly where I need to be. His opinion is that these children are perfectly where they need to be. His opinion is that this is exactly what we are supposed to be doing. In His opinion, we’re all okay. His advice is that we listen to Him in each moment throughout the day.
I might be in a tight space for a while, as I learn to adjust my expectations and opinions of myself. And, as I learn to clear my head of the opinions and thoughts others have expressed to me in order to place His thoughts higher, I learn who really has it all under control.