I am not myself in this hour.  I am…


                                                                                         In turmoil.


Deep things of my heart churning up anxiety and sadness, uncertainty.  My mind perpetually roving over questions, phrases, words… seeking understanding, searching for assurance, clarity… something to find grounding in.

I feel as one grieving before it is time.

Memory of an encounter with one hurting deeply… numbly… so hidden is the wound that it’s only evidence is betrayed by a look… a phrase… a slip of the tongue… something so faintly different that it is hardly detectible. Now so obvious in my mind.  And now, this pain presses my heart, moves me, grips me.

And so I find myself here.  Heart brimming over with tears, pulsing with an ache that wraps around the inside of my throat.  All I can do is sit here, the pain is not numb for me, and I can feel it.  See it.  Hear it.

So with this hurt I start to pray.  Not even knowing how, what to say… where to begin.  Just remembering the verses in my Bible that tell me God knows each emotion, each tear, sigh, hurt, wound.  Just remembering the verses that tell me of His love. That talk of His own deep feelings for His creation.

I plead for the numb with words I’m borrowing.  I plead for us both to be released from this burden.  For healing… I plead with a sob and as I sigh.  I plead and I pray until the pressure is lifted.  Until the grip is loosened.  Until I am drained.  Exhausted.

Though tears trail my cheeks, I find a deep tranquil peace.  Though a shadow of an ache remains, I am at ease.

And I wonder…

When it is me so determined to smile, unable to acknowledge the wound, to take in the reality… will someone be moved to pray for me?

And I smile.  Warmed by the truth I know.  Soothed by the understanding I have just glimpsed.  Humbled by the omnipotence just displayed… by the smallness of myself.   My heart is flooded with gratefulness.

“But because Jesus lives forever, his priesthood lasts forever. Therefore he is able, once and forever, to save those who come to God through him. He lives forever to intercede with God on their behalf.” Hebrews 7:24-25




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